Dear Agony Aunt,
I have no idea what to do or where to turn.
My wife and I lived together before we got married. During that time she played around on me.
To her credit, she confessed right after it happened, (it happened over a six week period) and said she'd made a terrible mistake, that she was sorry and begged my forgiveness. We worked things out and got married two years later.
During our marriage, this cheating incident has come up a few times, (usually by me when I am angry and lashing out).
Lately, though I have become consumed with the thought of what happened back then.
This is bothering me to the point of where I have become physically sick. I have no idea what to do or where to turn. I have talked about this to my wife and she is willing to do anything she can to help me get over this.
Our marriage is very good but I just cannot get past this thing that happened many years ago.
There is nothing like infidelity to mess with our hearts and minds.
I too give credit to your then girlfriend and now wife for being honest then and wanting to do everything now to help you and your marriage.
I am sort of reading between the lines here and suggesting that maybe you two just got on with things and tried to mend your relationship the best way you could.
The clue that things were not actually working would have been the 'lashing out' to hurt your wife by reminding her of her less than stellar prior behaviour.
This was the red flag that you both missed.
Having said that, it is not too late to backtrack and repair the damage.
You simply need to seek counselling.
A counsellor will allow you to vent your anger and hurt, to rid yourself of the poison swimming around inside you.
Once that is achieved, you two can truly have a marriage without the shadow of the past controlling and damaging your future.
I am sure a counsellor will want your wife involved at some stage and this is probably cathartic for her, I have no doubt she carries huge guilt especially witnessing the effect her cheating has had on you.
I wish you both the very best.
No idea mate. Not sure we would have stayed around.
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